Beach trip July 2018

A family connected with Cru at UF generously let us use their beach house this summer. The available dates happened to fall over our 11th anniversary.

Lots of sunsets, soccer on the beach, fish chasing, world cup watching, puzzles, digging in the sand, riding waves and swimming under them, catching crabs, Bikini Bob's snacks, and the pool. We didn't wear shoes or go anywhere the whole time.

Best 5 days at the beach EVER.

To Foster at 5

My Foster,

did you know that you can start missing something before the memory of it is even formed? Before it's even over or gone? 

Last night you climbed up in our bed and nudged your way in the middle of daddy and me - a routine that has become as familiar and welcomed as the rising of the sun (except when you jab us in a rib). Most nights now it doesn't even wake us but this time we stirred as you found your way under the covers and settled back into slumber.  For just a few seconds we laid beside you in the shadow of the dark and breathed in the moment together... both of us knowing it would soon be its own kind of shadow.

You started K4 last fall and your eagerness for it made the whole transition a little less bitter and a little more sweet. It still ended a chapter of my life though, and of yours - the chapter where you were just MY secret...where your experience of being known had always come from me and from our family. Now all of the sudden I had to hand over part of that responsibility to someone else. I think it's the reason I'm so sappy over teachers.

Speaking of teachers, the week of your birthday, yours gave you the award for Creativity.  I watched you up on stage as you beamed with pride. And isn't it the best feeling buddy? To have things called out in you that are true and good... that are part of your design. As you go through life, remember to always do this for others - and find the people who will do it for you.

This spring you played soccer and we discovered you are a natural - a little ball of defensive muscle. Your team was called the Gummy Bears and you had an awesome coach whose family has since become our friends.

So far soccer is the only organized sport you've played, but you and daddy and Maddox will play just about anything together. Sometimes I don't even know why we have furniture in our house because most days our den functions as a rink, court or field.     

On January 18th (three days before you turned 5) we took the training wheels off your bike and you never looked back. That's also about the time you taught yourself how to ride the Ripstik. It never takes you long to learn a new skill, and I think has just as much to do with your determination as it does your athleticism.

Sometimes I wonder though if you could take or leave sports. Not because you aren't good at them but because you love so many other things too. You are a whiz at puzzles and a master builder (always turning piles of Legos into the most elaborate and imaginative designs). You love board games, card games, and cooking, and you never pass up a chance to help dad in the yard or garden.

Susu gave you a subscription to Raddish Kids for Christmas and it has been so fun to have something that just you and I do together.

This year we celebrated your birthday at Bouncers. Susu came too!

Maddox is your best friend with Levie coming in as a close second. 90% of the time you get along.

You mostly process things in your life through an emotional filter first. This has always been the case and part of the reason you are so endearing. Much of the time you can be incredibly sweet and tender, thankful and thoughtful. This is the way outsiders always experience you, and a lot of times us too! But at home you also have your guard down... and so when you believe something isn't fair or when you are embarrassed or left out, your reaction can quickly get away from you. For dad and me, once this happens it can feel like we're running after you down your own road of infractions and the farther we go the harder it is to know which of the subsequent offenses we are supposed to address. Over time we have learned some good ways to navigate it all with you...but the truth is, we fumbled around these parenting moments and mess up in the ways we discipline you all the time.

If there's one thing I want you to hear though it is that I LOVE that you feel deeply, and I deeply hope it never changes. In our quest to help you handle those big feelings (and integrate both your right and left brain), we never want you to hear the message that they are bad.  There are people who think all emotions are unreliable - the problem with this is that when things are unreliable, the tendency can be to disregard them as useless. As a result of this way of thinking, being "strong" has somehow been associated with one's ability to hide or suppress hard feelings. Foster this is so far from the truth. It's not that emotions are unreliable, it's just that they don't give you the whole story.  Every emotion is important though, because each one can tell us something about ourselves and about God and about the world. Humans aren't primarily thinking things, we are feeling beings...our longings and dreams and hopes are what drive us, not our logic. And so the goal isn't to "control" emotions or get rid of them, the secret is to learn how to listen to them. As you do this you will become more and more whole and embodied and alive - and then you'll be able to turn around and offer that same kind of healing to a hurting world.

I know being a middle child is not always the most coveted spot in the birth order, but I think there's something sweet about your spot there. Sometimes when you are upset at us you will say, "It's just cause you guys don't care about me!" Mostly I think this is an emotionally charged response that you don't really believe is true, but part of me is crushed at the thought that there's something in you that may wonder if it is.

Because do you know what Foster? The truth is our family would be so incomplete without you. You are the middle that brings the ends together....and you will always have a place there, here - in the middle of us - being squished together in belonging and acceptance. We will never stop caring about you.

You are ours and we are yours.

To Maddox at 7

Your sixth year came and went, just like the five years before it, just like this one will. The succession of time is like the tide - unyielding and unassuming, too.  Sometimes it catches you off guard and pulls you under and makes you wonder when you'll be able to take your next breath. Other times its force is less intrusive but just as powerful and just as scary... the way it can carry you somewhere without your conscious awareness of moving or being moved - then one day you wake up to a landmark that's far from where you started and you think how could I have gotten this far this fast?? When in reality you've been drifting for a long time, you just forgot to pay attention.

Maddox, let me tell you a secret about the tide [and time].  It loses some of its power over you when you start to move in it purposefully, when you remember to pay attention. My hope as your mom is to teach you how to swim against the current, how to drop anchors of meaning and purpose along the way - paying attention to your story so that you can know how to locate it within the greater story of what God is doing in you and in the world.  If you can do this, you will live well.

In year six I watched you start to morph into a young boy.  It's completely terrible and completely awesome at the same time.

Soon after you turned 6 you lost your first tooth. For six years it was anchored in place - like an anchor to your childhood. And then it fell out over a bite of pizza.

We did Disney for a week in February with Susu and all the cousins and I'm sure it will be one of those trips we'll never ever forget.

We made memories in Birmingham and Nashville, and a lot in this Gainesville home of ours, too.

In May you graduated from Kindergarten.  ~ Through teary eyes I watched you turn the corner in your cap and gown and I thought about how that moment was an ending of sorts, but also a wondrous beginning. What adventures will you say yes to? What things will shape you? Who will you become?  Maddox, in your journey of life you will always be picking up and setting down. Things will finish and things will start anew.  You will say hard goodbyes and good hellos. You'll close chapters of books and of seasons and sometimes you will have to walk through winter but spring is coming.  Don't wait until something is finished to celebrate...you may not always get a cap to toss in the air.  The middle is where all the good stuff happens anyway.

A few days later we were in a bad wreck on our way to Pensacola for daddy to officiate a wedding.  We pulled off an exit and were hit hard turning into a Chick-Fil-A.  I don't even think we came to a complete stop before I was out of my seat yanking you out of yours.  I couldn't get my arms around you fast enough. All three of you were screaming in panic and when I looked at you I saw your eyes search mine for something to take the terror away.  It's a hard feeling as a mom, knowing that I can't.  We got to the curb and squeezed each other for a long time and all I could think about was God's mercy.  A fraction of a second later would we have been able to get you out of the car?

In July we traveled to Fort Collins, CO for Cru staff conference and it was a breath of fresh air to be at the foot of the rockies for a couple of weeks.

In August you started 1st grade and I've been so proud of your eagerness to learn and do well in that setting. I love watching the way your mind works and how you process input and generate output.  You are much more of a linear thinker - more logical and calculated in the way you work and formulate answers and ideas. When we do art at home, you first decide what you want to draw before you start drawing (and then you follow a step by step progression).  Foster is prone to just start drawing and then decide what it is (and will usually tell an elaborate story to go along with it). Foster doesn't mind starting with C and figuring out A and B along the way but it helps you to have A in order to get to C.  Neither is better than the other, just a window into your sweet minds.

When you were little people thought you were shy but really you were just assessing the situation before you decided how to respond. You categorize your experiences in your head and like to make projections about what the outcome of an action or situation will be before moving forward.  I love that you are this way! - it is a huge asset that will save you from a lot of unnecessary trouble in life.  But Maddox, there are things in life that don't come with a clean formula and this side of heaven there will always be unknowns. 

Let me tell you a story about this past fall.

Hurricane Irma came through Florida in September so we headed to Birmingham for a week - because no thank you to no power, and because I could see worry in your eyes. Then in October, daddy woke up one morning with pain all the way down his right arm and into his fingers, which continued to get worse over the next few weeks. He had trouble sleeping at night and during the day he couldn't get relief. He just wasn't himself and you noticed.  Doctors finally pinpointed damage to his C5 and C6 (likely traced back to our car accident months before) which was causing the pinched nerve. With the help of physical therapy and time he eventually started to feel like himself again.  Around the time these things were happening your stuttering got way worse (had it even started as far back as the car wreck?).  But it wasn't until it got better again [after daddy's arm was no longer part of the everyday conversation and the hurricane was long gone] that I really connected the dots.  Of course!  How had I missed it.  You experience peace through order and predictability (me too, buddy) and both had been disrupted over the last few months... this made you loose your footing a little bit.

Maddox did you know that adults do this, too? All the time actually. We hold on to worry because we can't hold on to control.  The thing about worry though is that it will always manifest itself somewhere even if you aren't aware of it.  For you, it seems to come out through disfluency in your speech.  For others it may be stomach problems, migraines, insomnia, tense muscles - the list goes on.   But do you know what?? You don't have to hold tight to that worry or to fear over unknown endings. Because the Ending has already been written. This is great news! Whatever your greatest fear here is Maddox.. it does not have the power to destroy you.  Jesus swallowed up death so that you don't have to swallow worry.

On another note - you are still v e r y into sports, especially soccer. Your favorite teams are Real Madrid and Chelsea and you can easily name all the best players.  You're not just a spectator though, you love playing it, too (both on a real field and a virtual one ;)).  You also got a Fifa World cup booklet for Christmas and have spent hours matching the players with their teams. Basically, soccer rules right now.  But when March rolls around it'll be basketball... and your bracket will be glued to your side.

Sports is also one of the main ways you and dad connect with each other.  Which is mostly different from the way dad and Foster connect.  This is equally perfect and problematic. (I say mostly because Foster does love sports but just not to the same degree.  He'd much rather help dad create something or do work with him around the house).

birthday donuts

Besides sports you are loving Legos and riding your bike and doing anything with our family (games, dance parties, movie nights, etc). Reading has also started to elbow its way in and I'm crossing my fingers it sticks. You are almost finished with The Boxcar Children: Mike's Mystery.

You love back rubs and every single night (almost) for the last 7 years I have given you one (and hummed Amazing Grace to you). You told me recently that all you want is for someone to scratch your back continuously, forever. You are your mother's son.

Just a couple weeks ago your class voted you as their Timucua chief.  You were uncomfortable at the attention, but Maddox did you know that being regarded highly by your peers is better than any medal or trophy?

I obviously cannot record every single memory (there are a thousand pictures I left out) or know every outworking of your intricate design, but maybe through my trying to know you, you will experience being known by God.  And do you know something cool? The more you are known by Him, the less you will look to the world to tell you who you are. 

 As much as I miss the days gone, I LOVE you at seven. You are brave and honest and kind and what a great gift it is to be your mom and learn how to best love you.  I write these letters because maybe one day all these words will give you a window into everything that's stored up in my soul. Or maybe they won't, but at least you will know that I always delighted in you.   You are a delight.